Friday, March 23, 2012

cunning, baffling, powerful

you know, i can say it's all about the baby steps as many times as i think i can get away with it. but it's my understanding that eventually i have to take some big boy strides or i'll just change by not changing at all. i can't go back there. or i won't. i'm supposed to do a daily inventory. my sober date is june 10 2011. in the meetings they call it my 2nd birthday. sorry for the rambling. the last thing they talked about in counseling was relapse. they also said that 9 to 12 months of sobriety is a crucial time. that i'd have to mourn my mom's death all over again. that the rigorous honesty, i call it brutal honesty, will catch up with me and back up on me. even that things about me will trip me up and things about my family will create doubts. when mom died my sister and my brothers just wanted to get things back to normal. i was able to do anything but. sorry for the grammar. i may need a meeting. i kind of resented the ease with which they all slipped back into everyday life, whereas i quickly just slipped and backslid. this has been my 1st serious attempt at anything resembling sobriety in about 10 years of very heavy drinking. being drunk more than being sober for 10 years is a lot to take in. i'm blessed in so many ways, but so fucked up as well. maybe i miss the counseling. brutal honesty. the last thing mom said to me was, "i respect your mind... i really do..." she was goofed on opiates but pretty lucid. i said, "well, mom, that's your and dad's fault." resentment is the fast track to relapse. but right now sobriety is the most valuable thing i own. the mood swings are brutal as well, nearly paralyzing such that i have to make myself get up and do something, anything productive. and i get the sense that my family could easily be a graduate school case study in denial. i'm just gonna keep going and really try not to edit myself. and/or chainsmoke.

59 comments:

Schmutzie said...

You're right. Sobriety is the most valuable thing you own.

switters said...

it's again this very basic fear. of what i don't know. but it just hits me as if from out of nowhere. too much daytime tv. i get sucked in and i recall it as a trigger.

Schmutzie said...

Not sure what you mean by a trigger. Watching daytime tv is a trigger for the out-of-nowhere anxiety? Or a trigger for "I need a fucking drink?" I don't know you well enough to say with any certainty, but I'd suggest it's not from out of nowhere, but from within. You know what you fear, and you're the only one who knows what you fear Swit.

switters said...

i think my messiah complex is getting in the way of my black sheep status.

switters said...

oh. the macbook dvd player is now working. but i only have one dvd. still, that's a good thing. and i now have hot water in the shop. pretty funny how i did it. and i think hoosiers is on pbs. cool.

switters said...

my brother doesn't just not like obama. he doesn't just hate obama. he despises obama. disapproves of him. i can't figure out on what basis, but the refrain is decidedly on the he-is-ruining-america side. i ask how. usually it's the socialist card that's played. when i say that being a socialist while at the same time cozying up to all those wall street bankers obama bailed out, i'm met with the icy stare of non-recognition. so is he.

Schmutzie said...

The people I know who hate Obama, especially my mom, utterly fail when trying to explain why. Unlike your brother's icy stare, she takes on more of a hypnotized glaze. Impenetrable. She knows what she knows.

Hoosiers is the best sports movie ever made. "Okay, after Ollie makes his second free throw...and you will make your second free throw...I want you to get back on defense. they may get off a last second shot!"

switters said...

dennis hopper just showed up. is it just me or is gene hackman always reliable. my brother blamed my mom's affection for obama on her "medication". right or wrong, i don't think i can ever forgive him for that.

switters said...

one difference between my brother and i: i know i'm an asshole.

Schmutzie said...

Litmus test for the true hard-core Obama hater- Did they act slightly less than thrilled when they heard Osama bin Laden had been killed? Imagine how the same person would have acted had it been W who'd whacked OBL.

(Hot water is a good thing, especially when you're the one who made it so. Like Hanks in Castaway. Fire! I...have made fire!)

switters said...

just spitballing here. i'm a natural addict. always looking for that off switch we talk about. alcohol is that no longer, so i move on. coffee, mt. dew, prayer?, meditation?, writing?

Schmutzie said...

No, I don't think I could overlook the medication explains mom liking Barack thing either. That's fucked up.

Hackman makes everything better. One of the best American actors ever. Hopper. Always strong.

switters said...

that's exactly it. i may have arrived at hot water backwards and funnily, and moonpie may not get why i'm so excited, but yeah, i did that.

Schmutzie said...

Coffee and smokes have me stymied. Working on the smokes, but I'll never give up Java. Hey it's good for us!

All of those others are good joneses. Not a damned thing wrong with prayer, meditation or writing. And Mt Dew is just better tasting coffee.

switters said...

she watched the inauguration from her hospital bed. like me she was quite thrilled with the boy, as i used to call him when we talked on the phone. out of her presence my brothers were real dicks to me about our president. it's a resentment i have to deal with, but also a real anger with them that they don't even know about.

Schmutzie said...

It transcends politics with my mom. She hates the guy, not the president. It's not like I'm the world's biggest Obama fan when talking politics with her, but if I have anything positive to say about him "Compared to GW, Barack Obama is an absolute pleasure." she just looks at me like I'm really disappointing her on a personal level. I've pretty much stopped talking politics with her because of it.

switters said...

on another note, are you aware how good for me being able to talk about these things is for me, for better or worse? recovery blah blah blah... i can only hope that someday this desk will meet with your approval. and i submit that my current attitude with my sobriety being a giant middle finger to my i-told-you-so family may not be perfectly healthy, but sometimes it feels damn good.

switters said...

dennis has the shakes and i want barbara hershey's truck.

Schmutzie said...

Oh I understand what you mean. While I absolutely believe that your sobriety is the most valuable thing you own, it doesn't hurt to pull a little added motivation from wherever the fuck you can find it. If that includes thumbing your nose at people who doubt you, use both thumbs.

Schmutzie said...

I love that truck

switters said...

what the big east and pac 10 could never figure out was that big 10 basketball was a contact sport.

Schmutzie said...

A Big 10 foul hurts. It's supposed to. That's why they call it a foul.

switters said...

holy crap, indy v. kentucky on cbs while hoosiers ends. uh-oh.

Schmutzie said...

Tom Crean is Dwight Schrute

switters said...

"Tom Crean is Dwight Schrute"

my first laugh of the day. thanks.

switters said...

oh man, i needed that movie, even if it is honkey stickin it to the bruthahs.

Schmutzie said...

And the Hoosiers are all the way back in it.

Jordan Hulls looks a little like Ollie

Schmutzie said...

Hoosiers has got everything. I like the whole story, and esp the way Norman Dale caves at the end and let's Jimmy take the shot.

"I'll make it."

switters said...

for the record, by the way, "saturday in the park" is one of the greatest songs ever written. chillier next week, perfect excuse for dog and i to go on a wood run.

Schmutzie said...

let's?

lets

Schmutzie said...

Yeah, okay, sure, right. Good dog walking & wood collecting tune. Remember when I said that Chicago stopped being Chicago as soon as Terry Kath's gun went off while cleaning itself? Check out the top comment from the guy on this clip Ballet for a Girl in Buchannon is the real shit.

Also, Fancy Colours

That's some mood brightening music for me.

switters said...

agreed. and i still have mixed feelings about what happened. also: 1. why did peter leave exactly, really? 2. did he and robert really hate each other? and 3. it remains a pretty astounding catalogue.

rundeep said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rundeep said...

Also, these NCAA teams make the kids on Glee look like they are right about the correct age.

Schmutzie said...

Check out the rhythm on Track 6 "To Be Free"- Compli-friggin-cated beat. Danny Seraphine is one of the really great drummers of all time

switters said...

great. plumbing tomorrow. sometimes it is just a mind game. but i do, and i say this without the least bit of irony, leave in the hands of the lord.

Schmutzie said...

Cetera- According to Seraphine's book "Street Player:My Chicago Story" Pete was burned out, and wasn't having fun. They wanted to do a world tour, and Pete was the only one who didn't like the idea. Eventually Danny wore him down, but he was already planning his solo act at the time. Chapter 18

I don't think he and Pankow hated each other. I don't think any of them hated each other. Just too much time together. They stayed together a lot longer than most groups, that's for sure.

switters said...

dangerous confession: i didn't read any of the harry potter books, and i didn't like any of the movies, but pretended to for the sake of my niece, nephew and sister-in-law.

Schmutzie said...

Saturday in the fog. I thought maybe you might find a few of these online sources helpful.

FINE WOODWORKING

Woodworkers Institute

Desks from the same place

Free Wordworking Plans


There's about a billion more of course, but these are good.

switters said...

bit of sun here. funny about the links, because i decided to make a small end table from the base of an antique sewing machine mom gave me. a small project as a kind of therapy. also, moonpie treed a cat or a raccoon -- can't tell yet.

Schmutzie said...

Nice. The old sewing machines had really nice wood pedestals. I see them every so often in antique shops, and think there's got to be something there.


My newest idea involves the wooden shipping boxes that Binny's Beverage Depot uses to display fine wine. (Yes, wine. I am confronting my demon in the workshop and converting it into profit. I want my fucking money back!) They have all the French and Italian writing stenciled on the outside, and they're pretty rough looking. A guy named Dean -"Deano Deano the Vino Machine-o" as I used to call him before I got sane and sober- is saving them for me rather than tossing them in the dumpster.

I'm working on my first one now.

1

2

3


I'm thinking if I can make compartments inside for a bottle, 2 glasses, and a large section off to the side for your basic bread, cheese, candles, utensils etc. And toss a carrying handle, maybe out of rope (?), I can probably sell these things as picnic baskets to the outdoor concert crowd at Hodges Park. It's big enough to serve as a little table to put on the grass in between their little yuppie lawn chairs that they got at Ikea. $100 sounds about right. They can afford it.


Cat no problem, but Moonpie has to watch out if it's a raccoon. Nasty SOBs when cornered. Possums too. As Homer said in the Monorail episode "I call the big one Bitey."

Schmutzie said...

That's just a prototype. When I start cranking these things out I'll use antique brass hinges and corner caps. Prob hide the hinges on the inside. Can't decide on the method of carrying. Thinking a rope for over the shoulder and a little eye/loop affair to keep the thing closed. Also, lined or unlined? The rustic shit looks kind of OK, but maybe some red/white checked pattern inside like the tablecloth look?

switters said...

damn. suddenly i feel so inadequate, like when rundeep explains the law to me as it relates to economics.

Schmutzie said...

The little projects are great therapy. Nothing like putting a wine box on the router table. Take that you bastard!

RD makes me feel inadequate in general. The great thing about her is that she knows it, but she doesn't rub it in. Remember the scene where Jerry is talking to George at the diner? "What are we doing George? These are serious men, with jobs and secretaries. We're just a couple of idiots."--"I know, I know." ...It's like that with RD.

Schmutzie said...

And don't tell me my wooden box thing makes you feel inadequate my friend. I put two hinges and 4 corner caps on the thing. I KNOW you can handle that without any injuries at all. Seriously, I'm not very good at this little stuff. Blowing out windows and adding doors, no problem. Making a nice little marquetry box to put my watch & keys in...problem.

switters said...

whatever! i love the checkerboard idea. by the way, switched to a rip blade and it's making all the difference. will celebrate with papa john's pizza. also, while tiger's stock has gone down for me, i do love seeing him on top of the leader board again. another thing al and i disagree about. apparently he didn't inherit our dad's rabid notion of sportsmanship: you just don't pull against someone.

Schmutzie said...

Good move on the rip blade.

I'm impressed with Tiger's composure after the dbag yelled during his backswing, causing a drive that looked a lot more like one of mine. That thing was so out-of-bounds it almost left camera range. Old Tiger would have gone batshit. Not today.

Schmutzie said...

Bubba! What a recovery.I like Bubba.

switters said...

get this: there is the most perfect rainbow east by north east right now. gotta mean something.

Schmutzie said...

Remember JackD from the Fray? Not dickhead Jack, but the nice guy from Chicago? Check out this pic he posted at the message board.

It's guilty pleasure night. I can't help it. At 7P my guy Dreyfus & Marsha Mason in the 1977 mushfest, The Goodbye Girl. Might as well do laundry and make the night complete.

switters said...

jackd, chicago, lawyer, real sharp? never heard of him.

bucks v. orange is a brawl.

Schmutzie said...

I know good sportsmanship says I shouldn't root against someone, but is it okay if I root against Dick Cheney's new heart?

Schmutzie said...

Buckeyes!

switters said...

i don't think rooting against the borg counts. npr mentioned something about a guy getting in dick's face at a book signing, then the secret service gets involved?

snl is a rerun i think, anna farris hosting (sp?). i missed it the 1st time but it could be good. and wait wait was very good.

bright said...

!

also, !

and finally, !

and, p.s. keep going.

Schmutzie said...

Tweet from @JustinStangel BREAKING: Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. Experts say “He's more machine now than man. His mind is twisted and evil.”


I just read the most fascinating article in today's Chi Trib, and it reminded me of a discussion we had on the Fray a few years ago. Wish I could find it in the effing Fray archives (which they're about to flush down the toilet on 3/30.) It started when you posted a link to a picture of an absolutely dynamite one-room cabin some guy had built in a forest. Remember thinking at the time that we're heading in that direction. Not for everybody, but for those who can live small there's a lot to be said for not spending one's entire life working to pay off a damned McMansion. I refuse to order anything from Amazon ever again, but I am moving this book to the top of my buy it list.

rundeep said...

Huh, did Cheney get a human heart?

switters said...

moonpie dog, let's go get us some sticks from mr. hill's woods to burn tonight during "f-list celebrity apprentice".

rundeep said...

I remember looking out when my husband called the neighbor's yard the All Night Flower Store.