Friday, March 23, 2012
cunning, baffling, powerful
you know, i can say it's all about the baby steps as many times as i think i can get away with it. but it's my understanding that eventually i have to take some big boy strides or i'll just change by not changing at all. i can't go back there. or i won't. i'm supposed to do a daily inventory. my sober date is june 10 2011. in the meetings they call it my 2nd birthday. sorry for the rambling. the last thing they talked about in counseling was relapse. they also said that 9 to 12 months of sobriety is a crucial time. that i'd have to mourn my mom's death all over again. that the rigorous honesty, i call it brutal honesty, will catch up with me and back up on me. even that things about me will trip me up and things about my family will create doubts. when mom died my sister and my brothers just wanted to get things back to normal. i was able to do anything but. sorry for the grammar. i may need a meeting. i kind of resented the ease with which they all slipped back into everyday life, whereas i quickly just slipped and backslid. this has been my 1st serious attempt at anything resembling sobriety in about 10 years of very heavy drinking. being drunk more than being sober for 10 years is a lot to take in. i'm blessed in so many ways, but so fucked up as well. maybe i miss the counseling. brutal honesty. the last thing mom said to me was, "i respect your mind... i really do..." she was goofed on opiates but pretty lucid. i said, "well, mom, that's your and dad's fault." resentment is the fast track to relapse. but right now sobriety is the most valuable thing i own. the mood swings are brutal as well, nearly paralyzing such that i have to make myself get up and do something, anything productive. and i get the sense that my family could easily be a graduate school case study in denial. i'm just gonna keep going and really try not to edit myself. and/or chainsmoke.