Saturday, March 31, 2012

Let's go bucks!

I'm hoping for an Ohio State v. Kentucky final because the not-so-fictional town of Port William is just northwest of Lexington and Andy Catlett had an epiphany just east of Columbus. As usual the Amish were involved in both instances again.
Also, Danny Branch bought a mowing machine, slightly used, in southwest Ohio.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Smash, issue 6.5

This show has everything that makes a show a show that has everything: Fame, Footloose, Cop Rock, The Color Of Money, Head Of The Class, All That Jazz, break dance fighting, Will & Grace, bold italics, unambiguous sexual innuenda, and bowling.

And William Devane as Dr. Juan Suarez. Can't look away.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

You can have my hoodie when you pry it off of my cold dead body.

I wore a hoodie all winter, and no bigoted fuck ever shot at me. That I'm aware of. And I live in Gunville, population: BLAMMO!!!

I'd like to point out the obvious, as usual. It wasn't that long ago when a dead negro black boy shot down to death was just another saturday night of hijinks in the deep south. Look how far we've come!

Of one thing we can be sure: this is somehow the black president's fault.

I'm just assuming, then, for the sake of argument, that the tears of Yeshua ben Joseph are one of those renewable unlimited resources all the tree-hugging faggots are always whining about?

Friday, March 23, 2012

cunning, baffling, powerful

you know, i can say it's all about the baby steps as many times as i think i can get away with it. but it's my understanding that eventually i have to take some big boy strides or i'll just change by not changing at all. i can't go back there. or i won't. i'm supposed to do a daily inventory. my sober date is june 10 2011. in the meetings they call it my 2nd birthday. sorry for the rambling. the last thing they talked about in counseling was relapse. they also said that 9 to 12 months of sobriety is a crucial time. that i'd have to mourn my mom's death all over again. that the rigorous honesty, i call it brutal honesty, will catch up with me and back up on me. even that things about me will trip me up and things about my family will create doubts. when mom died my sister and my brothers just wanted to get things back to normal. i was able to do anything but. sorry for the grammar. i may need a meeting. i kind of resented the ease with which they all slipped back into everyday life, whereas i quickly just slipped and backslid. this has been my 1st serious attempt at anything resembling sobriety in about 10 years of very heavy drinking. being drunk more than being sober for 10 years is a lot to take in. i'm blessed in so many ways, but so fucked up as well. maybe i miss the counseling. brutal honesty. the last thing mom said to me was, "i respect your mind... i really do..." she was goofed on opiates but pretty lucid. i said, "well, mom, that's your and dad's fault." resentment is the fast track to relapse. but right now sobriety is the most valuable thing i own. the mood swings are brutal as well, nearly paralyzing such that i have to make myself get up and do something, anything productive. and i get the sense that my family could easily be a graduate school case study in denial. i'm just gonna keep going and really try not to edit myself. and/or chainsmoke.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Hungry Game!, a movie review

ah well. i really miss doing those. they were so much fun to write, and i had the perfect audience for them. i think "batman: new beginnings" was my first one. "the de vinshy cold" wrote itself, as did "broken back mountains". "the exercising of emily rose" was a clear triumph for all of us, including those still binding and rebuking those little demons of our own to this day. (you know who you are.)

I must've been on some sort of auto pilot at the time. one of the first comments i got for "the batman" was "it's christian bale, not christian slater [dumbass!]", a comment which i treasure to this very day. and how could "x-man united: the last dance" not sweep the tony awards, considering the headliner was jew hackman?

tortured therapy, i suppose, born from a mother who was simply incapable of getting the title of a movie or its stars correct. i think we all knew her. those were for you and dad, mom! you and dad. a meager tribute, i suppose, to a mother who knew the difference between condescension and constructive sarcasm, and a father who really did put the "b" in subtle. ("Su'b'tle," he might say.)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

"The issues I will be campaigning on will be exactly the same."

"It's just my answers that will be different every time." ["Next question?"]

Monday, March 19, 2012

smash, episode 5-ish: The Bernadette Peters Workshop

she's one hundred and thirteen years old, guys. 1-1-3!
nick looks like my sponsor.
i worked on a workshop back in 1989, as, let's say, a "music editor". the show was "the prince of central park". it sucked so bad it closed after intermission. you're welcome.
speaking of divas, as part of my so-called music education, i was required to take a semester of choral conducting. the chorus was provided by the voice major department. so, me and about 19 voice majors, who traditionally think "sight singing" is a week in the hamptons. that semester i killed myself. 3 times.
113 years young, gang.
i used to know shaiman. he is 1. disgustingly talented; 2. disgustingly decent; and 3. a darn good piano player.
dang. seems like a lifetime ago.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

"What do YOU mean 'you people'?": celebrity apprentice v. desperate housewives/gcb

game over, man. now if we can just leave our egos at the door and retrieve them again at the coat check station, we might, just might, get a shot at the semi-finals.

["Why are you wearing a tuxedo?"
"It's after six. I mean, we're not farmers!"
(Yeah... they've come to snuff the rooster.)]

Saturday, March 17, 2012

is Galaxy Quest the greatest movie ever made?

yes. here's why.

theory 1.
tim=okay comedic actor :: Galaxy Quest=perfect
sigourney=decent actress :: Galaxy Quest=perfect
alan=brilliant actor :: Galaxy Quest=perfect
tony=great actor :: Galaxy Quest=perfect
justin=great comedic actor :: Galaxy Quest=perfect
sam=really great actor :: Galaxy Quest=perfect
daryl=good comedic actor :: Galaxy Quest=perfect
enrico=good actor :: Galaxy Quest=perfect

conclusion 1.
it is the only movie in which not all of the actors are brilliant and yet each turns in a perfect performance.

Friday, March 16, 2012

daytime talk show questions?

[oh shut up. i take lots of breaks and i've got npr on the whole time. promise.]
is dr. phil a misunderstood genius?
is kelly ripa an alien space midget?
do kathie lee and hoda retreat to their dressing rooms at 10:57am every morning trashed and sobbing?
is it unhealthy to be addicted to daytime talk shows dealing with addiction? and is it addictive?
what sort of crazy depraved people sit in the audience of these shows, and how can i get tickets? do they allow dogs?
do the gals over there on "the view" not make any sense a lot? and does elizabeth stare at herself in the monitor so much that she forgets where she is?
does rachael rae's quest to be the ultimate man's man chef render her food bland, dated and pedestrian? much like her personality?
[is "every ghetto every city" just basically lauren hill putting on an exquisite master class in restraint and how to sing across and over the bar line?]
is "the chew" completely pointless?
on a relevancy scale of 1 to 100, 100 being the highest, is "the talk"'s the same as the hosts' median i.q., namely, 58?
can it now be said to both regis and oprah, "how can we ever miss you when you will never go away ever?" ?
how do you shame the shameless? the amish are laughing at us again.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


so yeah just got home from the emergency room. funny story. cougar town had just started and i was going to rip 1 more shelf board and call it a night. i ripped 1 too many and tore into my index finger. 7 stitches, bone scuffs and messy tendons. it'll never work right again she said, even with extensive surgery, which i won't have. no biggie; i've played enough piano for 3 lifetimes. and i'll still be able to hammer out some zep on the guitar hopefully. the problem is the 3 vicodins the doctor refused not to give me, though she was sympathetic to my disease. also there's typing lag, as in real slow.
still we might wonder just how healthy and real these nutty computer relationships are. i won't speak for y'all, but for me they are very real and very healthy. so i'm going to get a fire going and go to bed and not relapse. i promise. see you guys tomorrow.

Almost Infamous: New Girl V. The River

Oh yeah. It has been brung!

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Crying Hunger Games: Bachelor Finale V. The Voice

Best bring a bib. It's gonna get messy. Seriously, there's too much butter for the lobster tails.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Regulation Hottie Retard Smackdown: Celebrity Apprentice V. PBS Pledge Week

Now I've always prided myself as someone who's able to see the wind at the end of the tunnel, especially when the glass if half lit. But I gotta say that the old remote control switchback betwixt these folks makes me wonder, seriously, just which group of dunderheaded twerps are more self-involved, or more self-absorbed. Answer: turns out it really doesn't matter. Because both shows highlight not just the where-are-they-now crowd but also the why-were-they-sort-of-famous-in-the-first-place-again clique. Let the games begin!

Friday, March 9, 2012

"Hey, y'all, I like grits! And things of that nature."

I wonder if the only thing more ironical than a northeast liberal conservative pandering to the south by picking the most cliched themes of dixie is the use of a reference to grits themselves. Grits have no flavor of their own; they take on the taste of what's added to them during the cooking process. E.g., cheese grits, shrimp and grits, bacon grits, grits and gravy, grits soup, butter, red grits and rice, dirt grits, _Grrrittz_The_Magic_Space_Robot_Alien_3.14, Paula Deen. You get the idea.

Add the fact that "grit" rhymes with "Mitt", and I think it's safe for all of us to assume that the only thing genuine about this pathological panderer is his love of the power of money. Are we sure he's not a JEW?!? We'd better baptize him posthumously just to be on the safe side.

True grits.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The War On Women: The Movie, Part 1

[spelling, oops, etc., phonetical and google laziness, and on, sorry]
President Barack Obama, Denzel Washington (as Wesley Snipes [as Blade])
First Lady Michelle Obama, Pam Greer (duh)
Vice President Joe Biden, Nicholas Cage
Mitt Romney, Steve Carell (as Michael Scott)
Rick Santorum, Ricky Gervais (as Steve Carell as Michael Scott)
Newt Gingrich, a rather large Hefty bag crammed with bigoted failure
Leon Pannetta, Alec Baldwin
Sarah Palin, a jar of dirt and warm hobo spit
Seal Team VI, the guys from Ocean's Eleven (the remake, [duh])
Rush Limbaugh, as himself (i.e., a placebo as a birth control pill [and warm hobo spit])
Washington Press Corps[e], the cast of "Big Bang Theory"
Ron Paul, Dick Van Dyke
Jesus H. Christ, Stephen Colbert
The Tea Party, any Wal*Mart on a sunday afternoon in February in middle america (say, Piqua, Ohio!)
Sean Hannity, a Depends Undergarment saturated with urine and fecal matter
John McCain, a pile of laundry

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Break a leg, Lindsay.

I once called you the greatest actress of your generation. There's a good chance I was drunk at the time, a real good chance. There's also a real good chance you were, too. But still, don't make a liar out of me. Let's hope the writers give you the benefit of the doubt. It's a season you're up against Emma, Maya, that one gal and the chick from the CW show about lesbians and vampires. No, not her. She's bombed. I mean the one with the dreamy eyes and bedroom hair. If that rings a bell.
Seriously. You've got nothing to lose and everything to... not lose. It's all up to you. (And the writers.) (And the cast. Hoping for "What's up with that?" and Kristin doing Kathie Lee. Just sit back and you'll kill.)
Now get out there and be funny! (And tell Jack I said hey.)

Friday, March 2, 2012

Rush, you ignorant slut.

I'm almost sure I'm not the first/last to use that blog title. I use it in order to: 1)date myself; and 2)point out it wasn't even funny the first time Dan said it back in 1962 on SNL or whenever. But it does set up a point I have, and yes I have a point. Well, points.
1. It's not that republicans hate women. They don't. They just hate women's bodies. Mostly because they're afraid of women's bodies. And who doesn't hate what they fear, really? So let's cut them some slack.
2. Rush often tries to be funny. Sometimes he isn't. Say, in this case of tumbling down the slippery slope of paying for birth control = lots of sex = prostitution. Seriously, I know funny because often I'm not. He should watch Jon and Stephen. They're funny. Or Letterman, even.
3. There's also this notion that has tumbled down the slippery slope of birth control = abortion. Now as much as I wish abortion were legal until the fetus dies of an old age, I guess I'm just not smart enough to make the connection.
4. President O'bama needs to stop legislating religion just like the right doesn't legislate religion, unless it involves a jewish-y carpenter building a giant rock and roll church/mall 2 thousand years ago in Texas.
5. Aside from the fact that Rush is a fat cunt who's also arrogant without cause and idiotic without retardation, it's just bad business to legislate women's issues by involving women, especially "that time of the month".
6. [the fat cunt thing again]
7. I've rigged my MacBook to work with my MiFi, so I no longer have to use the ASUS Eee PC series I've been using for over a year, of which I'd like to write a review: "After using the ASUS Eee PC series computer for the last year and going back to the MacBook, I'm going to take the ASUS Eee PC series and set in on fire and shoot at it whilst it explodes."