Sunday, April 29, 2012

Celebrity Apprentice: Wow I Forgot How Easy It Is To Write A Song

I knew Barry Manilow. Barry Manilow was a friend of mine. Clay Aiken, you are no Barry Manilow.

In addition to rooting against people being bad sportsmanship, it is fundamentally unAmerican to want people to fail. You should let them do it quietly so that they can keep it to themselves.

For the record, I have never met Barry Manilow. However, having had many "incidents" with "Fanilows", I feel like I have.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Mitt&Ann Romney On Saturday Night Live!?!?!?!?!?!

I don't know. It would be an odd career move for the Mormon Twins considering they're already so hilarious being not on it.

And: Glee, Some Final Thoughts

As soon as I can figure out how to spell "eeichxle", I'll get back to you.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Celebrity Apprentice Versus Hallmark Hall Of Fame's "Firelight"

I love Hallmark commercials. It's a sign of weakness I'm fully willing to admit. The music makes me cry! But there was mention of Aubrey O'Day's vagina, so... well... we're still sorting out the details.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Thank Christ For Dan Savage

I heard this first May of 2009, and again, during a rebroadcast, then another time, and then again just about 5 minutes ago listening to WBHM in Birmingham Alabama (computers are crazy!). So this really was about the 4th or 5th time I stopped what I was doing and sat down and listened to it. The first time was almost exactly 3 weeks before my Mom's memorial service in Burt, Iowa, where I had memorized the poem John pointed me to, in which Mom wasn't lying in the clay, and recited it to myself quietly while the minister yammered on and on and on about God knows what.

I've always liked Dan. I hope you like it as much as I hope I know how to link youtube videos. Call your moms.

in my thoughts

I still miss you, ya old bag.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Moment Of Clarity #19

Good Morning, America! beats The Today Show! in ratings war for the first time since 1995-or-so-ish!

Dancing With The Stars! weigh[s] in on "Princess Pippa Longstocking's Nazi Gun Prank!".

Conclusion #19:
Morning shows approach making/having any resemblance to sense only and if only when you've been drunk for 32 days straight (and counting). Reason enough for this white-trash bro-bro, his 1971 tractor with a brand-spankin' new battery, and a coyote-ass-kicking best dog in the world not to relapse.

I.e., 45 weeks and counting, tomorrow. Best part? All week I thought it was only 44 weeks. And whether (weather!) all y'all like it or not I have each and every one of you to thank for it. And Matt "Megatard" Lauer, my trigger man. So, well, thanks. Again. And I hope we all have a really good day tomorrow. And if not, we'll fight through it one moment at a time.

Monday, April 16, 2012

columbiannian whoregate

man. staff soliciting hookers and then not paying, or tipping, booze, prescription pill abuse? add a burlap bag of blow, scarface and a carton of viagra and this pickle trap could be rush limbaugh's spring-fuckin'-break. meanwhile clinton's doing jello shots at the vargara sports bar threatening off the record but on the mic that if her wetback counterparts don't get their shit together she will personally come to their homes in the middle of the night and punch them to death? i love my secretary of state.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Ann Romney

Well crap. This one is so ripe for a whirlwind scathing, but I've hit a bit of stride on the tractor shed and I'm more concerned with Revenge: 5 days, several hours or so, and counting. So let me leave it to better men who don't hate women as much as I (and Mitt) do and simply say this:

"Hey assholes. You think it's easy choosing which caddy to drive all day? Fuck all y'all, and your dead jews. We're just trying to help!"

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I Am... The Power King...

Mine's a bit nicer, with the most comfortable tractor seat I've ever sat in, and better tires, and it runs pretty good so far. I don't know if it's a 1967 or a 1972. Haven't found the serial number yet. But tomorrow I start converting the lumber salvage shed into a full service tractor shop. I.e., a covered gravel pit with an air compressor. Gotta start somewhere.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm hooked on Revenge.

Quote of the day: "I dig music... I'M ON DRUGS!!!"

Oh, almost forgot. I think the-one-that-got-away is now married. Got a cryptic text last month about her "getting hitched" in The Bahamas. I hope she's happy. And I love my tractor. I hope that's not wrong.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Scientific Method Proved Unscientific By Creationism

"So, yeah, I create heaven and earth, the sun, some firmament here and there, then man and woman. I give them free will and intellect, reason, logic, love, compassion, decency and birth control. Then I turn myself into my own son, die on the cross, rise on the 3rd-ish day, tear satan a new one, and how do you ignorant fucks repay me? By poking me in the ribs with a stick, hating women, One Direction, condemning queers, Florida, Texas, Tennessee? Nice. Well I've had it. Let's just say when I come back (and for those keeping score at home this will be the 19th time), by the time I'm done with this dimension The Hunger Games will seem like The Biggest Loser. You guys are on your own. Again."

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Karma Volume 23: What Would Jesus Do?

Dear [switters]
... Due to the delay in closing, you incurred additional days interest on your Bank of America payoffs, resulting in an additional $xxx.94 owed for closing. Please return a personal check in the amount of xxx.94, made payable to [lawyer trust] at your earliest convenience. I am enclosing a self-addressed, pre-paid envelope for your convenience. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions.

"Dear [lawyer],
Please find enclosed a check for xxx.94 which I have over-nighted for your convenience. It occurred to me that sending the remainder in the pre-paid envelope you included was insufficient considering the gravity of the matter. I would, however, like to point out that the delay in closing was caused not by me but, rather, by the buyers, who seemed at every turn to have out-retarded themselves farther than the time before, culminating in having to delay closing for a week on account of not being able to gather the necessary documents from their lender and having to have emergency botox surgery at the last minute because, again, in addition to being retarded they are clearly extremely unattractive, both inside and out, again, clearly.
So despite the delay being caused by them and costing me the funds, I have decided to reimburse you and your firm. Don't ask me why. Though I have decided to include in the memo section of the personal check, 'Fuckheaded Twats', in order to remind myself that the only person you can really trust in this life is no one, and my dog. And that doing the right thing is always its own reward, except in this case.
Happy Easter, praise The One Who Gladly Died On The Cross For Our Sins, and go fuck yourselves hard, you inconsequential pricks.

Very sincerely, really,

so nice to see your nic again, john.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Cialis Commercial Erupts Prematurely At Campaign Event

So, should we unzip Mitt and see just exactly how not stiff he is?
Lame. And too easy. Sorry. But I'm still waiting for the part where The Mittster and The Misses are sitting naked in adjoining and matching bathtubs by a lake. Or is that just me?

Monday, April 2, 2012

Kentucky v. Kansas v. Smash

Smash. Have I mentioned lately just how much I hate plumbing, and not just because I suck at it so bad, or the smell? For me, it's that you get 1 chance - 1 chance - to get it right, or you have to start all over again. Well, it's not like I've got anything better to do.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Academy Of Country Music Awards Show Awards v. Celebrity Apprentice

Just this: If these "celebrities" get any more retarded, the charities they're trying to raise money for will eventually end up being themselves.
And I grew up on country music. But the country music of today seems mostly dominated by country music stars who sing songs they haven't written about things they've never done or things it would never occur to them to do, other than dress really stupidly. It just makes me feel completely unfuddled!