Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Master Chef! Paula Deen! [racing heart monitor sfx here]

When the Mystery Ingredient Box began to be raised I was thinking the reveal would reveal either Paula Deen, or a piano. I was right.

Then, as if to add sugar to Type 9 diabetes, when the Secret Ingredients Crate was raised to reveal the revealed ingredients for tonight's supper, I was shocked to see an entire chicken, bacon, peppers, creamed bacon, a fried chicken fried in fried chicken skin stuffed with bacon-fried chicken skin, buttered butter, oil, oiled butter, cream of cheese-buttered cream oil, okra, a life-size Paula Deen salt sculpture, Fritos-crusted onion rings, a Red Lobster Fudge Overboard! Chocolate Volcano Fountain, grass clippings, and a midget with fresh ground pepper and a porn mill. For those of you not watching, don't ask.

How many people have you killed, Paula? And how many with your food, m'lady?

The Mystery Container Challenge? Sushi. Or as I like to call it, "bait". Full disclosure: I love sushi, but only because I also like to call sushi rolls "soy sauce sponges".

I'm guessing The Pressure [Cooker] Challenge Coffin will reveal a bag of potato chips, a jar of mayonnaise, a loaf of Wonder Bread, 20 endless minutes on the egg timer that can be seen from space were we still going there on a regular basis, and no leftovers. And product placements that make the nose twitch and twist.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to check on my Fruit Loop casserole to see if it's risen.
It has risen indeed.


Keifus said...

The best part was the pained smiles that the serious food people gave when acknowledging the horrible Ms. Deen. I watched one of her shows--I'd call it cornpone, but cornpone doesn't have enough fat in it--and she was, honestly, making Hellman's-crusted chicken breasts. Mmm-mmm.

I am actually surprised how wrinkled they let her appear on tv. Between the usual level of makeup and photoshopping, I had come to the conclusion that she must be animatronic. Maybe they ran out of spackle for that taping.

switters said...

3 words:
Krispy Kreme donut, glazed
hamburger patty
Krispy Kreme donut, glazed

Her recipe reminds me of a pub in B'ham, The Burly Earl. They had sandwiches. But if you paid them an extra dollar, they'd take the whole sandwich, batter it, and deep fry it. If you paid them an extra dollar, they would help to kill you.

And the south shall rise again, and the country will tip over. The ultimate revenge.

Keifus said...

Extra funny considering that those three otherwise manage to keep a straight face during all the comically flagrant product pitches.

I never even heard of Krispy Kreme until I got over the Mason Dixon line. (Northern Virginia, so not very far over, but there you are.)

That your real pic? You look like a troubled musician. How is taht possible?

switters said...

"Steak from Wal*Mart. Steak from Wal*Mart." I won't judge, because I buy steak from Wal*Mart, when it's in the budget, and they're fine. I guess. We didn't eat a lot of steak growing up. But man, yeah, these are guys that have access to meat that's been read to by the ghost of Proust, and they're up there schilling CAFO crud from Omaha.

But I love the show.

Just made, those donuts are addictive.

Tis me, m'boy. Interesting you should mention the torture of music, because I've been feeling particularly bound by it this last year, hearing it. But rundeep is right: "World Cafe" will save us. Eventually.

Storms today. Taking day off to watch wind and rain further the rotting process of my stud salvage project, and pretending to know how to fix the carb on my Power King. Life could be much worse. Especially since dog is laying on the tarp meant to cover the stud project. Don't have the heart to kick her off. I'll just buy another one. Priorities and all.

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...


switters said...

You know, I'm afraid the misrepresented genius of Pete's tangential stuff gets lost in the shuffle with the our generation. I hear too few bands that know the difference between being a great electric guitar player and a great acoustic guitar player. But I'm also afraid that's just me being an old fuddy-duddy. Still, even when you listen to "Plush" unplugged, DeLeo rips it up like he's in the trees.