Saturday, April 7, 2012

Karma Volume 23: What Would Jesus Do?

Dear [switters]
... Due to the delay in closing, you incurred additional days interest on your Bank of America payoffs, resulting in an additional $xxx.94 owed for closing. Please return a personal check in the amount of xxx.94, made payable to [lawyer trust] at your earliest convenience. I am enclosing a self-addressed, pre-paid envelope for your convenience. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions.

"Dear [lawyer],
Please find enclosed a check for xxx.94 which I have over-nighted for your convenience. It occurred to me that sending the remainder in the pre-paid envelope you included was insufficient considering the gravity of the matter. I would, however, like to point out that the delay in closing was caused not by me but, rather, by the buyers, who seemed at every turn to have out-retarded themselves farther than the time before, culminating in having to delay closing for a week on account of not being able to gather the necessary documents from their lender and having to have emergency botox surgery at the last minute because, again, in addition to being retarded they are clearly extremely unattractive, both inside and out, again, clearly.
So despite the delay being caused by them and costing me the funds, I have decided to reimburse you and your firm. Don't ask me why. Though I have decided to include in the memo section of the personal check, 'Fuckheaded Twats', in order to remind myself that the only person you can really trust in this life is no one, and my dog. And that doing the right thing is always its own reward, except in this case.
Happy Easter, praise The One Who Gladly Died On The Cross For Our Sins, and go fuck yourselves hard, you inconsequential pricks.

Very sincerely, really,

so nice to see your nic again, john.


rundeep said...

Your buyers should cover this at closing. It's probably in the contract somehow. Make them pay it.

switters said...

i may be more pissed off at my brother when i told him and he said just pay it and get it behind you. and i'm thinking, man who raised you? it's not the money; it's the message. i can literally hear my dad saying, wow, these people are too greedy to have any money at all.

well, sofia's on snl, but i'm having to watch 10 commandments, one of the funniest movies ever made.

Penal-Colony said...

I couldn't find Chapter or Verse XXX.94 in the Gospel according to St. Moloch, The Parsimone. Maybe it comes after Mt. Sin-ai and before the Wall St. bull of gold.

Thanks. J

rundeep said...

Happy Easter St. John of the weeping/laughing. (Did you read Michael Lewis' Boomerang by any chance? A short history of financial madness in the world in the wake of 2008 and a great companion to "The Big Short" which is the definitive guidebook to what the hell happened here. A great snappy read and I'm interested in knowing what you think of the chapter on Ireland. Peace out.)

It's bright and sunny here today -- a perfect Easter. I'll even go to Mass.

Isonomist said...

Happy Oestra, alll. Johh, you might want to look in St Mammon's letter to the Philistines, there's almost always $ before the chapters there.

run-- just good to see you at all, but love that you have the answer for swit right at hand-- it's better than a basket of cheap drugstore candies for sure.

Swit- missed you. I'll be driving past your place on the way from Indy to Ostrander, my sister's delivering on the 25th and they're granting me dispensation. Plus *brag* Jazz fest that Friday the 27th. I'm signed up for all three days.

rundeep said...

Iso, great to see you. Have a great time! I'm so jealous.

switters said...

alright, coffee klatch. your estrogen cloud is fogging my testosterone's need to cry at The Masters golf tournament, dammit!

Schmutzie said...

Bubba earned it. 14 birdie- 15 birdie- 16 birdie- 17 ridiculous par save- 18 par. Should have been enough right there except Oost wouldn't cave. What a tournament.

"Bubba, on behalf of everyone at Augusta, we'd like to tell you that we like the name Bubba very much. Here's your coat."

switters said...

Lou is Rain Man on steroids laced with crack.

Schmutzie said...

He'll survive because he team wins. It's unbelievable. Throwing Lampinelli through a wall. I thought she handled that beautifully.

Schmutzie said...

"his" team even.

Schmutzie said...

Two things- The people are idiots. They thought it too risque for kids and made fun of their customer base of old coupon clippers, and that's the winning ad.

If Lou survives this week I'm not watching any more.

switters said...

there's such a fine line between hate and pity. and clever and stupid. and lou and "an acting career". did he have any lines in Hulk, and weren't all of his lines dubbed in that creepy movie he was in about space zombies?

i was quite moved by bubba. i don't like his game, but i love his attitude and his love of the game. the right guy won in the right way. he Phil'ed that shot out of the pine straw.

switters said...

then lou tears his shirt off and turns into bill bixby.

Schmutzie said...

Yeah, the ability to hook an 8 iron out of the woods and make it turn 40 yards isn't something you can teach.Up until 2003, never a left handed winner. Since then 2003,2004,2006,2010,2012- lefties. Watch them tweak the course before next year.

Lou- 110% at all times. Unfortunately,that's just an extra 10% of bad. As Arch would say, he does give off plenty of carbon dioxide which helps plants, so there's that.

Penal-Colony said...
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