Monday, June 20, 2011

funny

you're sitting there in your gutted farmhouse, wasted at 10:15 in the morning watching hoda and kathy lee. in fact, you've been wasted for the last 4 months. and your 2 brothers and a sister-in-law show up and ask you politely to get in the trunck. you beg your oldest brother please don't make me do this, please, i beg you, please don't make me do this. al, your other brother, says, hey, i'm missing my golf game. get in the truck. your sis-in-law says you need to do this. please, no, please. i can't. just leave me alone, i'll be fine. get in the truck. come on, let's get in the truck. you put your shoes on and get in the truck. you get to the hospital and your brothers have to prop you up because you can't walk on your own. you're admitted. they hook you up to an i.v. because you're dehydrated. you're shaking and the nurse has trouble hitting her mark, but she does, with a smile. the admitting doctor comes in and says they're going to make you better. your brothers and sis say that they're very proud of you. you're shaking, you can't breath right. they take you to your new room for the week, a nurse comes in and puts something in the i.v. it's anti-anxiety medecine. it works almost immediately. you relax. al makes jokes and you laugh as does jess and lisa. they don't leave your side for 5 hours. you get sleepy. they give you more meds and take your blood pressure and check your blood every 3 hours. all the nurses know why you're there, but there's no funny looks, no pity, no... judging; just sympathy and a sincere desire to make you better. your family finally leaves and you fall asleep only to be awakened every 3 hours for vitals. you're humiliated, ashamed, glad your mom and dad are gone so they don't have to see you like this.

then you wake up and hope you've hit bottom.

50 comments:

rundeep said...

Oh you dear thing. I'm sorry you had to go through that. But we're all so lucky and happy you did. It was a brave act to ask you, and a brave act to get in the truck. The world's a great place. Stay with us in it. Consciously. Your family is amazing.

Cindy said...

Keep talking.

topazz said...

Hoda and Kathy Lee? My God, switters. I almost ran out of the room screaming just now.
(ps: I love you)

Isonomist said...

You were starting to sound like a Denis Johnson character. Thank God for the cavalry. And yes, this can be the bottom if you want it to be. They always say everyone has to hit bottom before they start to climb up. They never tell you that you choose for yourself what that bottom is. (I had to learn that from Camus.)

bright said...

I'm glad you're here and not there. Much love.

topazz said...

Please answer:
1. Do Al and Lisa have kids?
2. Did you see the video Ira Glass did for the Onion?
3. Tomorrow my daughter is taking her driving test for the 6th time. Please, God.
4. One day at a time. Loving you from afar, swits.

Cindy said...

Sending you some good vibes and some love from Maine.

Isonomist said...

*looking at imaginary wristwatch* I'm not seeing any comebacks, dude. Get your keyboard on.

topazz said...

She passed! I actually cried, embarrassing both her and myself. But whatever, it was a rite of passage no matter how long it took.

Michael said...

One day at a time, and when you get time maybe check in and let these fine folks know you're OK.

Peace out brother.

Oh, and I made something for you.

Keifus said...

Hang in there swit. You're lucky that you have people to push you into the truck (although, not so lucky you need them to, I suppose), and if you ever questioned the move, then that alone justifies it. No one wants things to come to that, but I am pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say we've got our fingers crossed here, hoping for the best. Sorry I wrote you with all those bud lights that time.

(I drive a Hoda into work every day. It doesn't make me look very cool, but it's servicable. No wait, that's a Honda...)

(the sixth time?)

Cindy said...

Yay for your daughter topazz! Who cares how many times -- it is indeed a rite of passage.

And, how about NY? Way to go with the gay marriage thingie.

I'm looking at the Rainbow Lights on the Empire State Building right this very second.

Very cool. Makes me feel uber-patriotic.

I'm very happy to be an American and in NYC right now.

Go Gay Pride!

switters said...

great weekend. niece got married. must have cost jess at least $1500! $1500! at least! open bars friday and saturday. drank club soda all weekend. we performed a spoof of "dream on" at the reception. great great weekend.

al and lisa have a son, 17, and a daughter, 13. they get my jokes. ira is a genius.

not sure how i'll thank you guys, but i have a long fight ahead. i know. but i'm not done telling the detox story.

also, my blog is screwed up and doesn't always let me post comments.

peace.

p.s. we took delivery of 4 more cattle tonight. beautiful.

Cindy said...

The good news is: you're not alone.

The ironic news is: YOUR blog won't let YOU post comments??

The fabulous news is: peace.

Sending you some big, city, gay-pride-loving hugs from a tourist in NYC.

Isonomist said...

You really should get a facebook account so you can check out my awesome Gay Day pix.

rundeep said...

Mooo! Congrats to your niece. Proud of you for making it through. Hearts, hearts, hearts and flowers.

switters said...

is it just me or has cee lo gone cartoonish?
1st aa meeting tomorrow. pretty nervous.

bright said...

Here and praying for you.

Cindy said...

Be sure to take your sense of humor. You may, oddly enough, find a bunch of people that are funny.

Your name came up at lunch yesterday. In a good way.

topazz said...

I can't stand CeeLo, or that song, and wish someone would rip off his Elton ripoff glasses. (Did my name come up?)

Cindy said...

Demosthenes gives switters complete credit for creating the word fucktard; and goes on to call that the greatest word in the lexicon - conveying oodles of information in a seamless, concise manner.

Your absence is always noticed and noted, topazz.

topazz said...

swits also gets credit for:

1) "regulation hottie smackdown" (rundeep and bright being the inspirations)
2) This little gem: (go ahead, copy and paste it up in your browser, it's worth it. I forget how to link like we used to have to do on the old fray) http://wagtheslate.blogspot.com/2006/10/frayge6theoutersanctum-star-is-born.html
3) "RollingOnTheFloorLesbiansMakingOut

Isonomist said...

I remember that! Sorry I couldn't stay longer. I've already put in 40 hours this week.

Isonomist said...

Goddamn it topazz I wanted to link to LesbiansMakingOut. Shit.

bright said...

I thought it was RunningOverFortyLesbiansMarinatingAlliterativeOmelets.

rundeep said...

And by the way, it was regulation hottie retard smackdown. Thank you Tracy Morgan.

Love you all. And I don't know, I kind of love Cee Lo's craziness. There's something very odd about his arms, though.

switters -- just remember it ain't Weightwatchers. (Still remember your post on that too.) Fucktard is a word I use all the time, particularly in the context of right-wing fucktard.

bright said...

I found the (rerun) WW post on the Fray, here, if anyone's interested.

Isonomist said...

Thanks bright. Switters, you need to read bright's link. Seriously. I needed to. I have been emailing over-the-top suicide notes to my husband all day begging him to get a job, any job, just get one so I can get out of this shithole before I kill someone preferably the vp who sits right next to me and can't mind her own goddamn business and just be happy I'm the best editor she's got and stop trying to fix me because I ain't broke, or maybe the HR person who tells me I can go remote as long as I leave town and take a 15% pay cut (why? Do I get to work 15% less? No. Can I make 15% more errors? Will I laugh 15% more when I quit?) anyway, each email more desperate than the last because who knows, it could be menopause, but it feels like I'm in the wrong job and doing too much for too many people for not enough. Oh wait, that's motherhood and marriage.

bright said...

Good night, sweet dreams y'all.

rundeep said...

Back at ya bright. Thanks for the link. switters, you are such a smart and funny dude and a brilliant writer. Be well.

rundeep said...

Hey pumpkin, how'd you do? Beautiful weekend here. Lots of tennis (I won two matches today!) And yes, Nadal is a cheater. Not just on steroids, but on his mystical injuries, which only happen when someone else is starting to do well and he can call a trainer out to ruin their momentum. Brat. He'd still be a top 3 player if he weren't a cheater. Maybe when he grows up he will stop. Anyway. How are you?

topazz said...

intercepted a message on fb for you switters, from dawn coyote:

I've tried to comment on switters' blog four times, and I can't. Can you post a message for me: "You'll love AA, AA will love you. Don't leave the room five minutes before the miracle happens. Much Love, DC."

Cindy said...

If you want to lose yourself in some summer reading, try the Game of Thrones books.

We're really loving them.

(I agree with DC)

Michael said...

Happy 4th of July Switters. One at a time buddy.

Michael said...

Happy 5th of July too. Another one.

bright said...

poll question: how hot does it have to be inside your house to turn on your AC? I'm finding that 87 is about as high as I'm willing to go. (the cool temp is set to 82)

rundeep said...

I give up around 90. But that's the first time. As the summer goes on, I use an earlier trigger, in part because the house is already hotter from the constant heat. Still, we were able to put it on during the 100 plus temps a few weeks ago for about 3 days, and then turn it off for several weeks. On Monday, we had to put it on to sleep. I hate humidity.

Cindy said...

Thinking of you.

http://www.npr.org/2011/07/09/137623954/the-troubled-history-of-the-supermarket-tomato?sc=fb&cc=fp

Isonomist said...

I'll link you to some of my Rockies hike pix if you show up and say hi.

Cindy said...

+Iso

(the blogger equivalent of a thumbs up)

Keifus said...

1. If you happen take a step back in this, please remember that it's not a reason to give up altogether. I've got fat guy tendencies, to various and changing degrees, and you know it's not easy. At least with that--and okay, I admit that maybe it doesn't work the same--then keeping at it is still better than quitting, even when you're losing ground. It'll catch and keep one of these times. Remember, resignation is more important than motivation!

2. Don't click on the "keep me signed in" box when you try to leave a comment. It might take a couple tries, but you'll get through after a while. Finally figured that out after a couple months.

3. 82 degrees? I'm choking to death just thinking about it. Don't they have humidity in Ohio? Just sent a proposal to the AFRL. Who knows, maybe they'll ever send me back there for a visit. If I keep my job.

4. Facebook is indeed a pretty cool way to interact with the Fraysters, but I have to say that I've accumulated so many obligatory and unloved people from my youth that I don't really want to go there anymore. It's been difficult to drum up the energy for the blog circuit too. Been trying to juggle some real-life things, including the depressing effort of a job search. In case anyone was wondering.

5. I am so addicted to cooking shows that I'm even watching Food Network Star, which is about seven levels of manipulative and fake-emotional crap. Anyone watching Master Chef? That bald motherfucker fills me with endless contempt. No please, get me started.

6. Y'all hear about Catnapping? I hate that I never gave her enough credit when I first started out there. Thinking about it has depressed me terribly. Another reason I'm not around much.

topazz said...

I'm confused about catnapping. Has she suddenly resurfaced now? What the heck is going on, can someone clue me in ? I'm totally in the dark here. As far as your cooking shows keifus, I'll raise you one for my home network shows. I watch every one of them, Property Virgins, International Homes, Crash your Living Room, the NYC apartment search one, and I'm adddicted to all the NYTimes Real Estate section slide shows too. switters, where are you? You want us, you got us - but we want you too. Please show up and tell us how you're doing, the the good, bad, just show up, okay?

Keifus said...

Ah, better to just assume I am the last to know anything. Might have been a prank, I'm told now. If I wasn't already done with that place, I'd be so done with that place.

And yeah switters, mash your hand against the keyboard if nothing else.

Cindy said...

Keifus - you do know you can hide people on FB, right? And if you hide them, it is almost as if they don't exist but they still remain "friends" ... And, I'm sure your amazing daughter can show you how to filter your friends list, so people who you are obliged to "friend" can actually post or read anything.

I know it sounds a bit harsh, but I'm glad it is an option. Periodically, I have to filter out many of my family members and friends from the olden-golden days. I mean, how in the heck did I grow up to be the only member of the Leon High School Class of 1976 with an ounce of sense???

I'm assuming switters is sweating at the back of a plow all day, and soon we will be hearing about some outrageous heirlooms bursting on stems.

and, you're looking for a job? I'd hate to encourage you to head south, but honestly you should check out some of the stuff going on in Norfolk and Virginia Beach. I swear that was an anomalous part of our trip - absolutely BUSTLING. Sort of like how Salt Lake City was two years ago: every other town boarding up and closing down, SLC building up a storm. Well, that military-industrial-engineering-space-shipping complex known as coastal Virginia is hopping.

Keifus said...

Nah, I've got a bunch hidden already. It's just sort of annoying and embarrassing to me that here are all these "friends" that aren't really my friends, and that's not counting the two dozen requests I've ignored, all of which feels subtly dickish. Hell, this is supposed to be one of the good parts about not being in high school for all these years. It's like I'm presenting a public picture of me that isn't really true.

And meanwhile, the people I actually try and stay in contact with (that is, other than our little gang here) are very poorly represented there, or are on it, and don't keep up with it.

Also meant to note that wherever, however (and I guess whoever) switters is, one thing has become blindingly obvious to me. He was clearly also the creative genius behind Who Is IOZ? The timing is just waaaay too much of a coincidence to not be true. I can't believe I didn't see the connection sooner.

Keifus said...

Also, I want to get the hell out of the defense industry if I possibly can, but yeah, Norfolk area is not without its appeal.

rundeep said...

Keif, aren't you a scientist bro? Got to look in my neck of the woods. Big Pharma, big Chemistry, we've got it all. Plus, super super super living. Houses at all price points in lots of great neighborhoods throughout the entire region -- many of those in good school districts.

bright said...

omg, yes we have humidity. i've been hiding indoors the last 3 days due to a massive allergy attack combine with Heat Wave '11 and Humiditiy:The Musical! i even turned it down to 80 and mr. b is bitching about how cold it is in the house. the poor dear, he has no thyroid, so he's always cold.

we have no jobs here, only pollen. stay away.

(except i will be trying out for the part of mad mrs. rochester in the upcoming local community theatre production of jane eyre, so you all might have to come see me.)

Keifus said...

b: I didn't even know she had a speaking part. Do you put on your Frankenstein boots and stomp on the ceiling? That'd be so awesomely fun.

rd: Yep, and noted. I'm avoiding a move if I can help it, but it's on the table.

t: And the kids are into the pawning and picking shows. I try to tell them that a Las Vegas pawn shop is in the business of extorting desperate people, but it gets me nowhere. Meantime, Top Chef holds the family together...

sw: The fuck, man. Show us a sign.

Cindy said...

bright - I'd totally come to see that.