Sunday, February 26, 2012

barbarians at the gates of the academy of motion

have you been to the movies? i haven't. but i can't resist the one time of year where hollywood people take their rightful place at the center of attention, population: them. the last movie i went to see at the theatre was either "team america: world police" or "water world 2: the spawning of lord foul's bane". but seeing as how last weekend's snl hosted by maya rudolph was 90 minutes of genius, and that billy crystal is still a little bit relevant, i think we can all assume oscar will run away with the awards, that there are no losers, except for those who didn't win, and that if mental retardation were fuel that the republican frontrunners could power the moon long enough for newt to repopulate it again, and that either one of those bigoted rice cakes would be about as effective running america as a magic 8 ball would be running a brothel. snap! which begs the question as to whether or not we need to refer to "the artist" as "a freedom" film. are we still doing that?

150 comments:

Isonomist said...

is going to steal "those bigoted rice cakes... etc"

topazz said...

Could Robin Roberts look any more like a man in a gown if she tried???

bright said...

I was in the wrong thread, not unlike Robin Roberts

Isonomist said...

Wait, must google Robin Roberts before opening mouth... Ohh I see. It's just her chin; they don't make dresses that perform cosmetic surgery yet. Love the black dress with gold brocade.

bright said...

Midnight in Paris, you would really like that one.

Isonomist said...

Not that eye makeup, Mila.

topazz said...

Rooney will be roasted from here to kingdom come, mark my words. The flat chested look isn't appreciated. Milla Jovovich looks spectacular

topazz said...

Switters can ou turn off the word verification thing? It is inhibiting the speed of my mockeries!

bright said...

Oh Emma Stone, "IT'S GOT A BOW" yes, we can see that.

Isonomist said...

So topazz prefers delicate-boned women with hefty knockers

Isonomist said...

and while you're at it, enable photos, because my roommate just served epic Oscar cake. Essentially dark chocolate, raspberry layer and a shell of ganache in dark chocolate and gold leaf.

bright said...

that's going to crack me up for a couple of days.

Isonomist said...

Last time I was in Paris at midnight, it was 100F and we had to walk from the Eiffel Tower to the Arc de Triomphe because there were no cabs. But I could try to keep an open mind.

topazz said...

Is It just me or when Tim Gunn says the words "twitter" or "tweet" why does it make me think He's also talking about his "peepee" ?

Isonomist said...

I'm gonna marry Christopher Plummer if anything ever happens to Dan.

bright said...

He is talking about his peepee.

Isonomist said...

The Moms? Holy crap.

Isonomist said...

Melissa does the raccoon eyes better than Milla did.

Isonomist said...

Geez, maybe I'll go back to watching the fireman give a kitten CPR...

bright said...

I'm sure everyone will hate Tina Fey, but I like it.

Isonomist said...

She does it on purpose, I swear. Plum peplum, seriously.

bright said...

Mrs. Colin Firth's dress looks like what happens when I try to wrap Christmas presents with fussy paper.

Isonomist said...

Jeez Swit, expect that quote to fly all the way around the Internet and come back and whack you upside the head. It's getting more likes than anything else I've posted all week. Dang.

Isonomist said...

Thank you for saying it. I can't shoot up propofol tonight and that dress is making that sad fact much more difficult.

switters said...

disable word verification? it's taken me 45 minutes to post this comment.

tim gunn is to gay what gay is to...gay. and robin roberts is almost as dumb as she is dumb.

confession: i used to watch gilmore girls.

oh, here's that kohler commercial i like so much.

bright said...

I start with the best hopes and intentions and eventually it's all weird angles sticking out and too much scotch tape.

Isonomist said...

Or else Jean de Jardin. He's the swellest ever.

topazz said...

I think Nina is high. She keeps tripping all over her words, and long pauses. It's easy to see which ones got high in the limo on the way over

Isonomist said...

How can they compliment the third bad red dress of the night?

bright said...

No one will ever top James Franco's bakedness from last year.

rundeep said...

J Lo? WTF? When's the last time she was i a movie? (BTW, Tina Fey FTW tonight). Jean Dujardin, je t'aime.

Isonomist said...

That explains the hair. I'm going to guess it was all done up when she got in the car.

Schmutzie said...

Does every fucking guy on the red carpet have to be flam-fuckin-boyantly up on fashion?

bright said...

What was Santa Claus nominated for?

bright said...

Oh, it looks like Zack Galifwhatever rode in the same limo as Nina.

Schmutzie said...

Oh I so wish Zach Galifinakis would have answered "Who are you wearing?" with the no-brainer..."I'm wearing Wang."

Isonomist said...

I keep rewinding to his interview and rewatching him saying "and de SSsssinnamun Rolllssss"

rundeep said...

ooh I can reply? I think she looks great. Peplum makes her waist look tiny. Very elegant, sort of Audrey Hepburn.

switters said...

when do they actually start? humor me: i'm 9 month and 9 weeks sober so i feel like i'm not firing on all 7 cylinders. also, if tim says "ravishing" one more time i'm tearing off my carhart overalls asap.

Isonomist said...

Because if they don't say who their wearing and pronounce it exactly right they have to pay for the tux. I can speak real good for free stuff.

rundeep said...

I've missed so much! BIg disagreement in my house on Penelope Cruz. I thought she looked fantastic, gown glorious. My daughter hated it, said it shortened her and the hair was "90s." Gulp.

Isonomist said...

*crossing fingers*

bright said...

I liked the color, the bodice was weird?

rundeep said...

It had a collarbone shelf. Not good.

rundeep said...

Cameron Diaz has all the brilliance of a bag of hammers.

bright said...

Ick, I don't like Cameron Diaz' voice.

topazz said...

I can't reply to replies here, and having a difficult time posting comments. But not going to be deterred in passing as much judgement as I can, just as my father will not be deterred in passing his gas. Thinks because the tv is so loud on account of his hearing, that I can't hear those rumbles, but I can

Isonomist said...

I love the color, her eyes, everything, but the hair doesn't work on her right side. The other side, she looks like effin Lauren Bacall at 19.

topazz said...

Switters: ditto on Tim Gunn, as well as if he says "old Hollywood glamour' another time

bright said...

I don't think anyone can reply to replies. Just throw it up there, we'll figure it out. We're the worlds smartest Oscar livebloggers, dammit.

Isonomist said...

I was so impressed a couple years ago when she showed up at a physics lecture I was attending. It took me about six months to realize she was there because she thought The Secret's "law of attraction" would be a topic of discussion.

rundeep said...

Gwynnie, your dress reads as a little bridal. And a ponytail, please. Glenn Close looks like a fish on her way to the office.

Isonomist said...

Get a new computer and upgrade your Internet access, we'll wait.

rundeep said...

LOL. And I HATED her dress. One too many ideas. But the hair and makeup looked good.

topazz said...

Wonder if Gwynnie cleansed this week. She's looking a bit wan.

bright said...

I get it when one doesn't like one's upper arms, but a satin dinner jacket is not the answer. NEVER THE ANSWER GLENN CLOSE.

bright said...

Okay, George Clooney is gay, right?

Isonomist said...

This is why God invented lace sleeves and crocheted ponchos.

rundeep said...

Clooney. I confess I liked the Descendents, but it's not really .... cinematic.

Schmutzie said...

What are the odds on Plummer winning the obligatory old person, here take this thing and thanks Oscar?

Vanity Fair tweeting the hell out of this thing. Bradley Cooper sporting a Selleck mustache and doing a killer Christopher Walken impersonation backstage.

Sacha Baron Cohen dumped an urn of Kim Jung Il ashes on Seacrest.

rundeep said...

oh, no. Friend ran into him in Switzerland once. He will only marry when the Viagra wears out and he needs care.

Isonomist said...

Sandra Bullock, did she even change out of her church clothes?

bright said...

the top makes no sense from the front. no sense whatsoever.

Isonomist said...

Oh wait, maybe Kenneth Branaugh.

rundeep said...

Does this muppet video mean Kermit is gay?

Schmutzie said...

If that was her "sexy expression" I must have missed it. I hate to play fashion red carpet flamer, but I really thought Penelope Cruz's hair looked great.

Isonomist said...

It's a boat neck shell. One usually wears them under one's satin dinner jacket.

Isonomist said...

I love Ashley Judd so much I want to pop her mother and sister right in the mouth. Is that wrong?

Isonomist said...

FINALLY red done right. THANK YOU NATALIE.

switters said...

wait. i thought this was the dancing with the stars cast revelation special. oops.

also, moonpie remains underwhelmed with it all.

what. no props for the dirty dancing remake? criminal.

Schmutzie said...

VF tweeting that Crystal plans to go all Ricky Gervais on everyone. I hope he does.

rundeep said...

And isn't Billy Crystal dead yet? And Natalie Portman does look beautiful.

rundeep said...

Brian Grazer -- Don King called, he wants his hair back.

topazz said...

AND BROWN GROCERY BAGS

Isonomist said...

Who's the Wise Old Owl?

bright said...

Cirque du Soleil, is this 2003?

rundeep said...

Everything about that outfit sucks though. The color, the pooping fabric. Blech. Hair and makeup looked good though.

bright said...

I was like, where do I go with that - Willow called and they need your help returning the baby or something Martin Short? Don King was the right move.

rundeep said...

Honey, they have BILLY CRYSTAL. It's like 1983.

Isonomist said...

Can we keep Morgan Freeman??? Please???

bright said...

You guys it's on!

Isonomist said...

Ok "That good vanilla from Mexico" they stole that from my aunt. She says that every time she makes French toast.

Schmutzie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Schmutzie said...

I'd have a far greater appreciation of this intro if I'd have seen any movies in the last 3 years.

rundeep said...

better than it might have been. And Meryl, you look .... nice!

Isonomist said...

Buck up, Schmutzie, I haven't watched any of em either. Dont' see me pulling posts.

bright said...

oh this song is not very good Billy Crystal.

Schmutzie said...

Just correcting a typo. "Into" became "intro"...You mean someone's reading my posts here?
(I'm on my 0th finger dear)

Isonomist said...

I'm gonna clean my room during this part. Forgive me.

bright said...

Follow the Seat Filler! Yes, that's easier than writing jokes, let's do that!

Schmutzie said...

Yanni meets Edgar Winter

Isonomist said...

You were kind enough not to point out my their/they're up there. It's easier to just live with the mistakes ;)

Schmutzie said...

Scorsese said he made this movie at his daughter's urging. Guess she gets to stay up late tonight?

Isonomist said...

I love her!!!! Dees ees far Maddddtin and EEEtaly....

bright said...

that speech is going to be hard to top. beauteous!

topazz said...

My dad wants to switch back to "everybody loves Raymond"

switters said...

off topic: did i mention that i installed a new pressure regulator all by myself on the well water pump and now it's working swimmingly? running water is so cool and interesting.

bright said...

wtf was that montage? other than a time suck, I mean.

Isonomist said...

They DEFINITELY called each other earlier.

bright said...

ray romano is sure to show up at this thing. GIVE IT TIME.

Schmutzie said...

Excellent! Now, can you make the microphones stop buzzing at the Academy Awards?

bright said...

Poor brightling is rooting for Harry Potter 2.

bright said...

and get Billy Crystal a lozenge!

topazz said...

Oh wow - more filler??? Where is Michael Douglas and Zeta-Jones? I thought they were Hollywood Royalty

topazz said...

I'm sorry but I hated Bridesmaids. No way does that Melissa deserve an Oscar for puking. The only other movie I saw was the Help. Annoying & cliched. The Brad and clooney thing is old. (we switched to Everybody Loves Raymond" - its the one where he tapes over their wedding video)

Isonomist said...

Now that I think about it, I drained and cleaned my hot water heater, fixed the circuit breaker and now we have hot water TWICE as long every morning. I have photos if you're interested.

bright said...

oh man they picked a horrid clip for Melissa.

Isonomist said...

Au contraire, that was one of the BEST. Movie and clip. She was killer in that movie.

bright said...

Octavia just thanked the entire state of Alabama!

Isonomist said...

You knew the colored lady would get one for playing a maid.

Isonomist said...

She's not thinking clearly.

bright said...

obvs.

Isonomist said...

Good thing she wasn't playing a union rep or a love interest.

bright said...

BALABAN! YES!

Isonomist said...

Great focus-group slam. I approve.

Schmutzie said...

The entire Christopher Guest troop ....have these people ever not been brilliant? Fred Willard, Catherine O'Hara, Bob Baliban, Jennifer Coolidge, Eugene Levy...what a wonderful idea. "Of course, I'd cut Dorothy."

switters said...

there's a "gilmore girls" marathon on tbs, and i don't even have cable. must be the advil. i have a killer toothache. also, that standing ovation was racist!

Isonomist said...

Now, say please pass on the purple peplum ten times fast.

bright said...

I don't have cable either! Hugo is a wonderful book, haven't seen the movie yet.

Are we thinking that Viola is a lock now?

switters said...

ow. more pills. oh, moonpie moved slightly on her stove-close blankie right during the waiting for guffman sendup. appropriate.

switters said...

now she's panting and staring at me with that "could you turn the fire down?" look. now she's walking into the shop area to cool off. now she's going outside. i really do love that dog.

most ironic moment that should've happened but won't: sacha shows up not as dictator but as bruno on the red carpet and no one recognizes either of them.

topazz said...

Okay Iso, I sense a duel at that hogs and heifers bar. This time I won't lose my purse. Twice.

Isonomist said...

Lord, topazz, I JUST got finished swearing I'd never go there again, for like the tenth time. But ok, for you.

Isonomist said...

Hey there's supposed to be aurora borealis sightings all the way down to Tennessee tonight!

switters said...

"flowmax theater." must-see crystal movie that's hard to find: "don't get me started".

gwynn and bob jr.: salute to james and anne from last year?

Isonomist said...

How did those clowns out do Wim Wenders? Really?

topazz said...

We're on our second Raymond episode. This one is Amy & Robert's wedding. Seriously hilarious, folks. At least until the big awards come up

switters said...

ben and emma, cute. but another confession: i don't get the whole harry potter thing. sure, twilight had some moments. but isn't potter tolkein lite? and how tall is emma? or firth? he seems like a tall brit.

also, did i miss the rose ceremony yet again?

bright said...

Melissa Leo is milking it.

switters said...

also, best acceptance speech for me is still tommy jones: "thanks for the work."

Schmutzie said...

To this day, my favorite Raymond episode was when they all danced to Steve Miller's "Jungle Love." My God, Brad Garrett can dance!

bright said...

ah, cymbalism

bright said...

I'm Bret. Brit? No, Bret. Brit? No, Bret.

Isonomist said...

Penelope Part II worked much better than on the runway.

Isonomist said...

Oh Angie, please eat something. Or do some forearm workouts or something.

bright said...

Bridesmaids, oh dear.

topazz said...

Iso!!! yOU DON'T CARE AbOUT ThE SUdAN!!!!

rundeep said...

OK. Late dinner, cleanup, just catching up. Sweet Jesus this show is boring. Can't they eliminate every single thing the host does except introduce the next presentedr? Also, I wanted to love Bridesmaids but I didn't. Wanted to love The Descendants, but didn't. Thought I would hate "My Week With Marilyn" and loved it. I did really really really unexpectedly love The Artist.

Isonomist said...

Is she sending them her breakfast bars, tempo??

bright said...

I liked Bridesmaids the same way I liked You Me & Dupree. It's cinematic Doritos. That it received any Oscar noms or presenter cred is just bizarre.

bright said...

I was reading to brightling a while ago - did I miss the Tribute To Those We Have Lost?

Isonomist said...

I agree on cutting out the fluffiest fluffing. I'm starting my new job tomorrow. I don't need Oscars-ran-late eyes my first day.

bright said...

Nina and Zack Galifoccia ate all her food because they have the munchies.

Isonomist said...

This is aching for a sick comeback, but I just can't do it. Mostly because of the antibiotics, not because of any moral qualms or sense of decency or taste.

Isonomist said...

That guy creeps me out no end. I've never found him funny except in rare, extremely dark moments when I probably would have laughed at a public hanging.

Isonomist said...

and there it was, ruining one of my all time favorite songs.

switters said...

did ya catch patton oswalt in the last montage? also, they got best song right, finally. also, obama/stiller 2016!

bright said...

yeah! to both things!

bright said...

The Artist. Good Night All

Isonomist said...

That was FUN. Thanks all!