Stephen Colbert didn't say that.
Jon Stewart didn't say that.
I didn't even say that, sort of.
"I feel like I just lost two great friends: America and Justice Roberts," wrote GOP Rep. Jack Kingston on Congress's main public outreach platform, Twitter.
But I did, to my shame, actually ROFLMAO. Be assured absolutely no lesbians or omelettes were injured during "the incident", that we know of.
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Master Chef! [-ka-FWOOSH- sfx here]
Anyways, I like the cooking game shows. Keif and I used to wager on Hell's Kitchen more often than either would like to admit.
Like any good game show, cooking involves combining ingredients and then cooking them. And then serving them. Here lately, one of the ingredients that's been showing up, most for side dishes, or in the main dish, in corn, also known as "sweet corn", or "corn on the cob".
I don't know where this corn is coming from, because real corn isn't in season until August, which means it's either coming from drug-running Mexican coke-potters, or California perverts. Or Alabama.
Some competitors cream it with pimentos and radishes while others have grilled it with eggplant and dove eggs.
Some have even baked it into cheese tortilla chowder!
There is one and only one way to serve corn, "sweet corn", or "corn on the cob": peel it, boil it for 10 minutes, slop more butter than seems reasonable to stay on "the ear", and salt it. (My dad had the ultimate salting method, called "the sprinkle spin turn". Quite a sight.)
Peel. Boil. Butter. Salt. End of story.
Farm stands out in Woodstock, IL sold the freshest corn I've ever tasted. You know it's fresh when the guy or girl has the stand set up in front of an idling tractor. My dad and your dad probably learned the same technique. Bill would lay the ear of corn on top of a stick of butter length-wise so that the heat would melt a little trough into the stick, salt on top, 1/2 turn, now the buttery side is facing up, wet enough to capture ALL of the artery clogging goodness, then he'd spin it again and hit the back side with a 2nd shot of salt. And that was it. No pimento, no radish, no nothing.
Always the big chefs cooking with the fresh corn on these shows. Drives me (that much more) apeshit bonkers to see, because there's no way they picked up real corn, not even from goddamn Whole Foods or whoever's sponsoring the show, and you definitely didn't find any in the "top chef pantry." If you don't have your own farm or garden, then you get it from a kid at a stand by the road (which mighta been your advice once, swit), for the week that particular row is ripe, picked within an hour or two ago. The chefs, especially the bigtime celebrity jackoffs, really ought to know this.
Disagree on the salt, though.
We joined a CSA this year, which is funny because it's with the same farm stand we always went to, but now we get to pay for the year up front and don't get to choose what we want. Been a long time since I've had the good stuff in that kind quantity though, not since I was a kid. And it's really true of all fresh veggies (especially here in New England), but it's that much more true for corn.
I was sad to see Anna go last night, because I had a big crush on her. They couldn't have played it up any more obviously though.
And I want to force Joe Batianich do fucking algebra or write essays under the clock and then shake my head condescendingly as the flop sweat pours and he longs for hair to pull out. (Gordon Ramsey, I just want to kick in the balls. Sorry, Rundeep.)
I've seen good people, kind people, smart people, decent people take an ear of perfect corn - not overly ripe, but not too al dentaye - I"ve seen these same people take a half-shuck ear, remove the silks, slather the kernels with olive oil, pepper, and wrap in bacon, and then put it on the grill and cover the grill. They watch me taste it as I've clumsily FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES RE-SHUCK THE EAR OF CORN, and remark, "You know, you could've done all that with an ear of field corn." And they answer, "What's field corn?"
I have, in my recovery, come to forgive these people.
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