Almost Infamous: New Girl V. The River

Oh yeah. It has been brung!

The Crying Hunger Games: Bachelor Finale V. The Voice

Best bring a bib. It's gonna get messy. Seriously, there's too much butter for the lobster tails.

Regulation Hottie Retard Smackdown: Celebrity Apprentice V. PBS Pledge Week

Now I've always prided myself as someone who's able to see the wind at the end of the tunnel, especially when the glass if half lit. But I gotta say that the old remote control switchback betwixt these folks makes me wonder, seriously, just which group of dunderheaded twerps are more self-involved, or more self-absorbed. Answer: turns out it really doesn't matter. Because both shows highlight not just the where-are-they-now crowd but also the why-were-they-sort-of-famous-in-the-first-place-again clique. Let the games begin!

"Hey, y'all, I like grits! And things of that nature."

I wonder if the only thing more ironical than a northeast liberal conservative pandering to the south by picking the most cliched themes of dixie is the use of a reference to grits themselves. Grits have no flavor of their own; they take on the taste of what's added to them during the cooking process. E.g., cheese grits, shrimp and grits, bacon grits, grits and gravy, grits soup, butter, red grits and rice, dirt grits, _Grrrittz_The_Magic_Space_Robot_Alien_3.14, Paula Deen. You get the idea.

Add the fact that "grit" rhymes with "Mitt", and I think it's safe for all of us to assume that the only thing genuine about this pathological panderer is his love of the power of money. Are we sure he's not a JEW?!? We'd better baptize him posthumously just to be on the safe side.

True grits.

The War On Women: The Movie, Part 1

[spelling, oops, etc., phonetical and google laziness, and on, sorry]
President Barack Obama, Denzel Washington (as Wesley Snipes [as Blade])
First Lady Michelle Obama, Pam Greer (duh)
Vice President Joe Biden, Nicholas Cage
Mitt Romney, Steve Carell (as Michael Scott)
Rick Santorum, Ricky Gervais (as Steve Carell as Michael Scott)
Newt Gingrich, a rather large Hefty bag crammed with bigoted failure
Leon Pannetta, Alec Baldwin
Sarah Palin, a jar of dirt and warm hobo spit
Seal Team VI, the guys from Ocean's Eleven (the remake, [duh])
Rush Limbaugh, as himself (i.e., a placebo as a birth control pill [and warm hobo spit])
Washington Press Corps[e], the cast of "Big Bang Theory"
Ron Paul, Dick Van Dyke
Jesus H. Christ, Stephen Colbert
The Tea Party, any Wal*Mart on a sunday afternoon in February in middle america (say, Piqua, Ohio!)
Sean Hannity, a Depends Undergarment saturated with urine and fecal matter
John McCain, a pile of laundry
==THIS IS AN OPEN THREAD==

Break a leg, Lindsay.

I once called you the greatest actress of your generation. There's a good chance I was drunk at the time, a real good chance. There's also a real good chance you were, too. But still, don't make a liar out of me. Let's hope the writers give you the benefit of the doubt. It's a season you're up against Emma, Maya, that one gal and the chick from the CW show about lesbians and vampires. No, not her. She's bombed. I mean the one with the dreamy eyes and bedroom hair. If that rings a bell.
Seriously. You've got nothing to lose and everything to... not lose. It's all up to you. (And the writers.) (And the cast. Hoping for "What's up with that?" and Kristin doing Kathie Lee. Just sit back and you'll kill.)
Now get out there and be funny! (And tell Jack I said hey.)

Rush, you ignorant slut.

I'm almost sure I'm not the first/last to use that blog title. I use it in order to: 1)date myself; and 2)point out it wasn't even funny the first time Dan said it back in 1962 on SNL or whenever. But it does set up a point I have, and yes I have a point. Well, points.
1. It's not that republicans hate women. They don't. They just hate women's bodies. Mostly because they're afraid of women's bodies. And who doesn't hate what they fear, really? So let's cut them some slack.
2. Rush often tries to be funny. Sometimes he isn't. Say, in this case of tumbling down the slippery slope of paying for birth control = lots of sex = prostitution. Seriously, I know funny because often I'm not. He should watch Jon and Stephen. They're funny. Or Letterman, even.
3. There's also this notion that has tumbled down the slippery slope of birth control = abortion. Now as much as I wish abortion were legal until the fetus dies of an old age, I guess I'm just not smart enough to make the connection.
4. President O'bama needs to stop legislating religion just like the right doesn't legislate religion, unless it involves a jewish-y carpenter building a giant rock and roll church/mall 2 thousand years ago in Texas.
5. Aside from the fact that Rush is a fat cunt who's also arrogant without cause and idiotic without retardation, it's just bad business to legislate women's issues by involving women, especially "that time of the month".
6. [the fat cunt thing again]
7. I've rigged my MacBook to work with my MiFi, so I no longer have to use the ASUS Eee PC series I've been using for over a year, of which I'd like to write a review: "After using the ASUS Eee PC series computer for the last year and going back to the MacBook, I'm going to take the ASUS Eee PC series and set in on fire and shoot at it whilst it explodes."