Well crap. This one is so ripe for a whirlwind scathing, but I've hit a bit of stride on the tractor shed and I'm more concerned with Revenge: 5 days, several hours or so, and counting. So let me leave it to better men who don't hate women as much as I (and Mitt) do and simply say this:
"Hey assholes. You think it's easy choosing which caddy to drive all day? Fuck all y'all, and your dead jews. We're just trying to help!"
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I Am... The Power King...
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm hooked on Revenge.
Quote of the day: "I dig music... I'M ON DRUGS!!!"
Oh, almost forgot. I think the-one-that-got-away is now married. Got a cryptic text last month about her "getting hitched" in The Bahamas. I hope she's happy. And I love my tractor. I hope that's not wrong.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Scientific Method Proved Unscientific By Creationism
"So, yeah, I create heaven and earth, the sun, some firmament here and there, then man and woman. I give them free will and intellect, reason, logic, love, compassion, decency and birth control. Then I turn myself into my own son, die on the cross, rise on the 3rd-ish day, tear satan a new one, and how do you ignorant fucks repay me? By poking me in the ribs with a stick, hating women, One Direction, condemning queers, Florida, Texas, Tennessee? Nice. Well I've had it. Let's just say when I come back (and for those keeping score at home this will be the 19th time), by the time I'm done with this dimension The Hunger Games will seem like The Biggest Loser. You guys are on your own. Again."
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Karma Volume 23: What Would Jesus Do?
Dear [switters]
... Due to the delay in closing, you incurred additional days interest on your Bank of America payoffs, resulting in an additional $xxx.94 owed for closing. Please return a personal check in the amount of xxx.94, made payable to [lawyer trust] at your earliest convenience. I am enclosing a self-addressed, pre-paid envelope for your convenience. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
[lawyer]
"Dear [lawyer],
Please find enclosed a check for xxx.94 which I have over-nighted for your convenience. It occurred to me that sending the remainder in the pre-paid envelope you included was insufficient considering the gravity of the matter. I would, however, like to point out that the delay in closing was caused not by me but, rather, by the buyers, who seemed at every turn to have out-retarded themselves farther than the time before, culminating in having to delay closing for a week on account of not being able to gather the necessary documents from their lender and having to have emergency botox surgery at the last minute because, again, in addition to being retarded they are clearly extremely unattractive, both inside and out, again, clearly.
So despite the delay being caused by them and costing me the funds, I have decided to reimburse you and your firm. Don't ask me why. Though I have decided to include in the memo section of the personal check, 'Fuckheaded Twats', in order to remind myself that the only person you can really trust in this life is no one, and my dog. And that doing the right thing is always its own reward, except in this case.
Happy Easter, praise The One Who Gladly Died On The Cross For Our Sins, and go fuck yourselves hard, you inconsequential pricks.
Very sincerely, really,
[switters]"
so nice to see your nic again, john.
... Due to the delay in closing, you incurred additional days interest on your Bank of America payoffs, resulting in an additional $xxx.94 owed for closing. Please return a personal check in the amount of xxx.94, made payable to [lawyer trust] at your earliest convenience. I am enclosing a self-addressed, pre-paid envelope for your convenience. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
[lawyer]
"Dear [lawyer],
Please find enclosed a check for xxx.94 which I have over-nighted for your convenience. It occurred to me that sending the remainder in the pre-paid envelope you included was insufficient considering the gravity of the matter. I would, however, like to point out that the delay in closing was caused not by me but, rather, by the buyers, who seemed at every turn to have out-retarded themselves farther than the time before, culminating in having to delay closing for a week on account of not being able to gather the necessary documents from their lender and having to have emergency botox surgery at the last minute because, again, in addition to being retarded they are clearly extremely unattractive, both inside and out, again, clearly.
So despite the delay being caused by them and costing me the funds, I have decided to reimburse you and your firm. Don't ask me why. Though I have decided to include in the memo section of the personal check, 'Fuckheaded Twats', in order to remind myself that the only person you can really trust in this life is no one, and my dog. And that doing the right thing is always its own reward, except in this case.
Happy Easter, praise The One Who Gladly Died On The Cross For Our Sins, and go fuck yourselves hard, you inconsequential pricks.
Very sincerely, really,
[switters]"
so nice to see your nic again, john.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Cialis Commercial Erupts Prematurely At Campaign Event
So, should we unzip Mitt and see just exactly how not stiff he is?
Lame. And too easy. Sorry. But I'm still waiting for the part where The Mittster and The Misses are sitting naked in adjoining and matching bathtubs by a lake. Or is that just me?
Lame. And too easy. Sorry. But I'm still waiting for the part where The Mittster and The Misses are sitting naked in adjoining and matching bathtubs by a lake. Or is that just me?
Monday, April 2, 2012
Kentucky v. Kansas v. Smash
Smash. Have I mentioned lately just how much I hate plumbing, and not just because I suck at it so bad, or the smell? For me, it's that you get 1 chance - 1 chance - to get it right, or you have to start all over again. Well, it's not like I've got anything better to do.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Academy Of Country Music Awards Show Awards v. Celebrity Apprentice
Just this: If these "celebrities" get any more retarded, the charities they're trying to raise money for will eventually end up being themselves.
And I grew up on country music. But the country music of today seems mostly dominated by country music stars who sing songs they haven't written about things they've never done or things it would never occur to them to do, other than dress really stupidly. It just makes me feel completely unfuddled!
And I grew up on country music. But the country music of today seems mostly dominated by country music stars who sing songs they haven't written about things they've never done or things it would never occur to them to do, other than dress really stupidly. It just makes me feel completely unfuddled!
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